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The Week in Tweets - May 25

Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, and Pitbull have approximately forty-one million Twitter followers combined. I am not included in that congregation. I actually don’t follow any famous people, internet memes or marketing brands. This is mainly due to the fact that I’m a pretentious hipster douchebag. But aside from that, I also find that the tweets from really-awesome regular folk are much more interesting and entertaining than celebrity agitprop. This past week was overflowing with amusing remarks, so please enjoy an expanded list of my favorite tweets of the past week!

11) chaim @ohaychaim

“i wonder how many people in the world want a picture of my penis? and I plan on dedicating a lot of time to finding out the exact number.”

Personally, I don’t think that there are too many people wanting to view my own particular equipment. My wife loves me with all of her heart and can’t keep her hands off of me (after three rum and cokes), but I’m fairly certain there’s a better chance of John Travolta being on the list than her. Then again, I never took my junk to Glamour Shots. Maybe they can find a good angle.

10) Zoe Quinn @ZoeEquinn

“#pooppooppooppooppooppooppooppooppooppooppooppooppooppoop”

My only response to this is: flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush and flush.

9) Lindsey Marie @smalls530

“I just watched a guy on the bus pick a scab and eat it. I think I’m going to throw up.”

Thanks Lindsey, now we’re all going to throw up.

8) Sara G. @MsBossyNoPants

“I just saw what could only be a hooker walking down a suburban street.”

I recently moved to the suburbs, but haven’t yet noticed any prostitutes. However, I did recently spot a 40-ish desperate housewife with huge fake boobs running down my block clad in booty shorts and a sports bra. The surrounding streets of my previous neighborhood were mainly populated by people with mullets and/or meth addictions, so this new scenery is much more preferable.

7) Joe Cernelli @jcernelli

“I think “busty” is one of my favorite words.”

It’s definitely one of my favorite adjectives.

6) Kristen Gray @Kg244403

“Strep throat, it is. F*CKIN’ OBAMA’S FAULT!”

I work mainly with old white guys and they like to blame Obama for everything. America’s economic woes, our obesity epidemic, the debt owed to China – it’s all Obama’s fault. I’m assuming that Kristen is being facetious for comedic effect, but if Fox News gets a hold of her tweet and reports on it out of context, I’m sure all the racist Wilford Brimley’s out there will actually believe it’s true. Hopefully that doesn’t happen.

5) Saragrace Ross @OXtriSARAtopsXO

“drop your pants i’m checking your penis!! #friendship”

Now if a female performs this examination on one of her male companions, I guess “friendship” would be an appropriate term. However, if I had to check one of my guy friends penis’*, I would probably hashtag #hardship. On second thought, maybe that isn’t a good idea either.

* I’m not sure if penis’ or penis’s is the correct possessive form of the noun “penis”, but I’m sure as hell not going to Google it to find out.

4) Andrew @poquets

“Bout to get real up in this bitch! #Jeopardy #GirlScoutCookies”

Andrew starts this tweet out by grabbing your attention with an aggressive proclamation. He then piques your intellectual curiosity by hastagging the popular television quiz show. He finishes it out on a feel-good note with the mention of everyone’s favorite wholesome snack. An emotional roller-coaster of a tweet!

3) Audrey @fennpgh

“ikea restaurant is my favorite furniture store restaurant”

Though I don’t believe Ikea has many competitors in this particular category, they sure do have a pretty good eatery. Hopefully their next step is a liquor license because a shot of Absolut would definitely make shopping for Ecktorp sofa covers much less exasperating.

2) Chelsey Rovesti @chelseyrovo

“Hey old lady I know this is a locker room but is it completely necessary for u to be totally naked to do your hair and makeup next to me”

I often have to bear a burden similar to what Chelsey describes above. The old guys at my gym LOVE to walk around naked. I believe that their daily routine is as follows: wake up, go to gym, get naked in the locker room, prance around for a few hours while discussing the weather, put clothes back on and then head home to watch The Price Is Right.  I blame Obama.

1) Amy Klug @BlondeTaffy44

“Drunj”

Simple, straightforward and to the point. If Twitter ever further restricts the character limit from 140 to 5, Amy has proved that she’ll still be able to effectively communicate.

I hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend! My birthday is Tuesday so you still have a few days to get me something good. Hummel figurines are always appreciated.

Pittsburgh Weekend Activities - May 23

Drake is currently the second* most important artist in hip-hop. His ability to effortlessly slide from rapper to crooner has raised him above most other artists. However, it’s his intricate lyrics** that dichotomously burst with both confidence and insecurity that has caused him to intimately resonate with millions of people. His melancholic music tends to marry better with headphones than outdoor convert venues, but you’ll have the chance to experience him live when he brings his current tour to the First Niagara Pavilion this Saturday night. #YOLO

*First is Gucci Mane. Just kidding! First is Kanye West. Though seriously, Gucci is probably like seventh.

** Drake’s verse from Unforgettable perfectly crystallizes his confessional style and is just about as good as it gets in hip-hop lyricism.

This is really one of my dumbest flows ever
I haven’t slept in days
And me and my latest girl agreed to go our separate ways, so I’m single
Thinking about what we had and missing you
But I ain’t Santa, I got something for these bad b*tches too
I mean paparazzi on me, trying not to get caught out
They always seem to catch me with the women that I brought out
Baby don’t hold on too long cause that’s how them stories start out
And all those girls that played me eat your mother f*cking heart out, it’s Drizzy
Always gone but never hard to find
And since you can’t escape me, do I ever cross your mind
Because all this shit is new to me, I’m learning to behave
And still spending every dollar they encourage me to save, but I’m good
I know that n*ggas would kill for this lifestyle
I’m looking forward to the memories of right now
Never forgetting from where I came
And no matter where I’m headed, I promise to stay the same

Weekend Mixtape - May 18

Friday - Paddling Out by Miike Snow

Saturday - Black to White by Felix Cartal

The Week in Tweets - May 18

Trying to explain the appeal of Twitter to my older co-workers is akin to explaining the plot of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy to my cat. On second thought, I really didn’t understand the plot of that movie so maybe that’s not a good example. Regardless, Twitter is a collective cavalcade of wisdom and the following are but a few choice nuggets from the past week. Enjoy!

5) Garrett Conti @ggconti

“Got my new router. Let the porn watching commence!”

Garrett tweeted this out on Tuesday, and no one has seen him or heard from him since.

4) Kim Daboo @ClumberKim

“Having Nutella in the house is a dangerous thing. Luckily, this here spoon may be able to solve that problem.”

This tweet reminds me of a story concerning one evening that started at the Panther Hollow Inn back when I was in college. I ran into some girl I peripherally knew from a freshman engineering class, and she didn’t take long to advertise the fact that she was DTF. I had a girlfriend at the time and therefore had to pass, so I introduced her to my friend Gregory (name changed) and then played wingman. Last call came and she invited Gregory, me and two other of my guy friends back to her place.

When we arrived, she immediately stated that she had to do some laundry and dragged Gregory downstairs. This left the rest of us unsupervised in her apartment. Feeling hungry, my friend Tom (name not changed) opened up her pantry, found some Nutella, and started eating it out of the container with his fingers. When it sounded like Gregory and the girl were returning to the room, Tom screwed the cap back on and put the Nutella on the shelf. On the ride home, Gregory lamented that he’d only reached 2nd base in the laundry room, but he was able to victoriously produce a pair of the girl’s underwear that he snatched from her clothes basket.

Although someone eating your Nutella and stealing your underwear is not the worse thing that can happen to you when you drunkenly take home a bunch of strangers from the bar, I still sure wouldn’t want it to happen to me.

3) Samantha Lynn @s4m4nth4x

“I know that scrod is fish, but it sounds more like male genitalia #PunchHimInTheScrod”

I don’t mind my food sounding like male genitalia; I just don’t want it to taste like it. On another note, I’m intrigued why Samantha would hashtag #PunchHimInTheScrod instead of the much easier #KickHimInTheScrod. I’m assuming she’s either really short or packs a mean uppercut.

2) Charlee Monroe @BeingCharlee

“I’m pretty sure McDonald’s tried to kill me. Ugh…”

After watching Super Size Me, I’m pretty sure McDonald’s is trying to kill us all.

1) eamon2tweet @eamon2tweet

“A law office that is “experienced in DUIs and Sex Crimes” just followed me. It’s like heaven brought us together.”

I would think that “experienced in DUIs and Sex Crimes” is one of the least attractive statements to write in your online dating profile. Right below “loves to Rollerblade”.

The forecast calls for some wonderfully sunny weather this weekend in Pittsburgh, so I hope you all have a chance to get outside and enjoy it!

Pittsburgh Weekend Activities – May 16

The recently renovated Carnegie Library in East Liberty is hosting an After Hours Party this Friday. Though a library’s atmosphere is normally thought of as being quiet and studious, this affair will be quite lively with the addition of food, beer, and some fast-pickin’ bluegrass from the Mon River Ramblers. The proceeds benefit our local public libraries*, which are still invaluable sources of communal knowledge and social gatherings.

When I was a kid, we didn’t have Google or Wikipedia. We had the library, and all the library had was the Dewey Decimal System and microfiche. These tools were interminably harder and much more time-consuming to use, but they did add an adventurous quality to research that’s lacking today. Libraries have adapted along with the advances in technology and now offer a mix of new and old resources to fully support your informational needs. Where else can you peruse the September, 1981 issue of Rolling Stone, research your family genealogy, and check out Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections (not worth buying) for free? Your local library, that’s where!

Normally I don’t publicize kid’s activities but this Saturday’s Touch-a-Truck Event is so cool that I have to. This affair is a wonderful opportunity for kids to get up close and personal with a host of interesting vehicles that they’re used to playing with on a much smaller scale. I loved my Hot Wheels, Transformers and dump trucks** when I was a young tyke, and one of my fondest childhood memories was when I was 10 years old and my uncle would let me and my cousin sit on his lap and “drive” his truck around the neighborhood. In retrospect, this was probably a really bad idea, but my uncle was most likely inebriated so maybe we were better off with my hands on the wheel. Though kids won’t actually get to steer a tractor-trailer down Smallman Street, they’ll still have the chance to sit in the driver’s seat and honk the horn. This may not be as fun, but it’s a helluva lot safer.

* If libraries went away, future generations of adolescent boys would be robbed of formulating “sexy librarian” fantasies. This modest yet lubricious look would suffer the fate as the once-enamored candy striper and be reduced to nothing but a Halloween costume. I’d really hate to see that happen.

** “She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck” doesn’t make a whole lotta sense, but it is fun to sing along with.

Weekend Mixtape - May 11

Friday - Goldie by A$AP Rocky

Saturday - Disparate Youth by Santigold

The Week in Tweets - May 11

There was a lot of discussion on Twitter this week concerning the erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey. Most people refer to the book as “porn for soccer moms”. I haven’t read it, so I cannot attest to its literary worth. One thing I do know is that “porn for soccer dads” is still just plain old porn. Now onto this week’s best tweets!

5) ShanLin1022 @ShanLin1022

“I need to put a big box of tampons in the ladies restroom at work because men go in there constantly. LADIES ROOM on the door isn’t enough”

This deterrent would definitely work on me. All of the health classes I took throughout my Pittsburgh Public School education combined a highly uninformative curriculum with greatly uninterested gym teachers. Therefore, I have no real understanding of how the magic of menstruation works. This lack of knowledge has left me confused and frightened by the accompanying feminine hygiene products. Tampons are indeed my kryptonite.

4) Soon2BeCatLady @soon2becatlady

“Found a cute guy on #OKCupid.. he listed his body type as “curvy”. I nearly spit out my juice.”

This tweet sheds some light on a huge problem for overweight single men swimming in the online dating pool while wearing trunks and a t-shirt. The term “curvy” is accepted without much stigma as the default physical descriptor for women who prefer a burrito over Zumba class. Husky is the closest adjective for a chubby dude, but it doesn’t nearly have the same sexy caché as curvy. Maybe “beefy” is the best way to go. I’ll bring this issue up at the next Man Meeting.

3) Lay Lay @penstone

“can I marry carbs?”

Not in North Carolina.

2) Audrey @fennpgh

“this book is kind of like when you have ok sex with a dude, then he wants to have more sex, then he won’t get the fuck out of your bed”

I believe Audrey is referring to Fifty Shades of Grey, but I think this is also the exact comment Oprah made about The Road by Cormac McCarthy.

1) Joe Cernelli @jcernelli

“Who kicked me in the nuts?”

I think it was some cute, curvy guy.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Pittsburgh Weekend Activities – May 9

Thursday evening brings a special cinematic experience in which a live episode of This American Life will be simulcast in movie theaters across the country. This American Life is a weekly radio program hosted by Ira Glass in which similarly-themed narratives are told by a litany of skillful storytellers. These folksy tales expose the majesty and tragedy of everyday life and have made This American Life a cherished favorite of everyone from young, white hipsters to middle-aged, white suburbanites. This enlightening show airs locally every Saturday at noon on WDUQ 90.5 FM right after two other highly entertaining NPR programs – Car Talk and Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me. This particular live episode will have stories from fan favorites David Sedaris and Mike Birbiglia, as well as other performances that will take advantage of the rare companion video. Enjoy!

everybody loves…the suburbs…Part I

I always really wanted to live in the city. Though my wife was raised in the middle class suburbs of Buffalo, city life greatly appealed to her as well. Her brother lives near Lincoln Park in the north side of Chicago, and she laments the lack of great restaurants and activities in our immediate surroundings whenever she returns to Pittsburgh after a visit. My wife and I have to commute through a tunnel and over a bridge whenever we want to enjoy Pittsburgh’s wonderful parks, events and nightlife destinations. Theoretically if we lived in Squirrel Hill or Shadyside, it would be much easier to take pleasure in our most livable city’s amenities by foot or even rollerblades*. 

The allure of numerous approximal attractions was also a factor for me to desire city life. Additionally, I felt driven by the idea of raising a family in a culturally diverse environment. I really love Black, Gay, Asian and Jewish people, so settling into the eastern part of Pittsburgh seemed to be a perfect fit. I grew up in the inner-city neighborhood of Knoxville and I believe that its diversity imbued in me a deep appreciation of different cultures. How will my kids ever learn to truly empathize with their generation’s Tupac Shakur or Eddie Griffin if all of their friends are named Dylan and Parker?

After spending some time perusing homes for sale online and in person, my dream began to die. My wife and I soon realized that we could not afford the houses in Squirrel Hill and Shadyside that matched our search criteria. The houses that we could afford were regrettably aged and would require a substantial amount of time and dollars to update their antiquated infrastructures. Another strong financial deterrent was the associated fixed costs involved with raising a family in the city. My wife was pretty adamant about not sending our future children to a city school. Not that she thinks public school is awful, but even a quick perusal of the stellar academics of Winchester Thurston et al makes those institutions infinitely preferable. It was possible that we could afford a single tuition, but there was no way we could pay for two while maintaining a fiscally solvent budget. I suggested to my wife that we give our children aptitude tests every year and reward the highest scoring individual with a year of private school. Suffice it to say, this idea of a meritocratic education system didn’t go over well. 

We then shifted our locale focus to the suburbs. In particular, the southern municipality of Mount Lebanon. This neighborhood had some of the appealing features of the city, but came along with the benefit of a renowned school district. Unfortunately, the majority of homes we looked at were again like Queen Elizabeth II - small, old and uneconomical. Fortuitously one Sunday afternoon while exploring open houses near The Galleria, I saw an attractive home on my Droid’s Zillow app close by in Upper St. Clair. My wife and I navigated our way to the address and immediately felt a Zen-like sense of harmony as soon as we turned onto the idyllic street. This good feeling was only heightened when we pulled up in front of the house.  Though it had the undesirable combination of being firmly at the top of our price range and requiring a good deal of work, we liked it infinitesimally more than any other house we looked at. 

After weeks of touchy negotiation, we irritably walked away due to the sellers unaccommodating obstinacy. However much like Rachel in The One with the Prom Video, we eventually realized that this house was our lobster and we went running back. Fortunately it was still on the market and we were surprisingly able to enter into a sales contract with the irksome seller. After a few more weeks of inspections, estimates and contingency bartering, we closed the deal and painfully handed over a big-ass check. 

A little over a month has passed since that closing day and our planned move-in this Saturday. We’ve been constructively making use of the interim time by stripping wallpaper, scrubbing grout, patching holes, sanding floors, cleaning filth and painting every possible surface. I’ve been extremely busy and therefore haven’t had much time to process the fact that my dreams of walking to Frick Park and the Harris Grill are now dead. Hopefully I’ll somehow be able to adjust to suburban life and still keep it real. I guess if the Fresh Prince could do it, so can I.

* Just kidding on the rollerblades. I place them just above Crocs as footwear I refuse to make use of. However, I am kinda keen on the idea of combining them into something comfortable and speedy. If anyone ever makes a Bape x Crocs x Nordica collabo, I’d definitely cop ‘em.

The Week in Tweets - May 4

If you took one word from each of this week’s top tweets, you could make the following tweet:

“Depressing butt-tater outfit compliments condom”

This almost makes sense, except for the fact there’s no such thing as a depressing butt-tater outfit. Every one I’ve ever seen has been quite uplifting. Now to the best tweets of the week!

5) Marsha @NoOrdinaryJew

“why are all of the most depressing songs playing in this subway right now?”

I’m going to assume that Marsha’s referring to the restaurant chain and not an actual underground rapid transit system. I haven’t paid particular notice to the piped-in music lately, but I’ve always felt a little depressed when attempting to “eat fresh”. I think what bothers me is those clear, plastic gloves that the food preparers wear. I know that it’s for my safety, but it gives the place a hospital-vibe and really bums me out. Combine that dining melancholia with any song from Hatful of Hollow and I couldn’t help but start to cry.

4) Amy Kay @MissAmyKay

“Doing Brazilian beach body butt shake lift with my mother. Lord help me.”

I am not sure what a Brazilian beach body butt shake lift is, other than it’s hard to say three times fast. Regardless, I don’t think it’s anything I would like to do with my mother either.

3) Emily. @pointfivejew

“I am 33 years old and tonight’s dinner is tater tots.”

I am 34 years old and I had cereal for dinner one night last week and it was quite depressing. Whenever I have something that uninspired for dinner, it just makes me feel like a failure. No adult wakes up in the morning planning to spend their evening with Toucan Sam or Count Chocula. Unless they also plan on getting high of course.

2-tie) LinzerB @LinzerB

“A gay man just complimented my Laundromat-going outfit as “the best he has seen today” & I have to believe he is mocking me.”

Sara Yingling @Yingers1

“Should you automatically assume a guy is gay is he compliments your shoes?”

It appears that there is a gay guy on the loose in Pittsburgh tossing around potentially-sarcastic compliments to our area women. Please alert the authorities at once if some random dude with manicured eyebrows snarkily remarks to you that “Those jeggings are fierce girl!!”

1) Saragrace Ross @OXtriSARAtopsXO

“Defs just slipped on a condom walking down the hall #CarrickHighSchool”

I think this may be worse than getting pooped on by a bird.

Because my tweets of the week were dominated by the ladies this week, below is a quick bonus tweet from Trevor Pitt (@Trevor_Pitt). Have a wonderful weekend!!

“I bet Junior Seau was reincarnated into Jessica Simpson’s baby.”