The Week in Tweets - May 25
Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, and Pitbull have approximately forty-one million Twitter followers combined. I am not included in that congregation. I actually don’t follow any famous people, internet memes or marketing brands. This is mainly due to the fact that I’m a pretentious hipster douchebag. But aside from that, I also find that the tweets from really-awesome regular folk are much more interesting and entertaining than celebrity agitprop. This past week was overflowing with amusing remarks, so please enjoy an expanded list of my favorite tweets of the past week!
11) chaim @ohaychaim
“i wonder how many people in the world want a picture of my penis? and I plan on dedicating a lot of time to finding out the exact number.”
Personally, I don’t think that there are too many people wanting to view my own particular equipment. My wife loves me with all of her heart and can’t keep her hands off of me (after three rum and cokes), but I’m fairly certain there’s a better chance of John Travolta being on the list than her. Then again, I never took my junk to Glamour Shots. Maybe they can find a good angle.
10) Zoe Quinn @ZoeEquinn
“#pooppooppooppooppooppooppooppooppooppooppooppooppooppoop”
My only response to this is: flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush and flush.
9) Lindsey Marie @smalls530
“I just watched a guy on the bus pick a scab and eat it. I think I’m going to throw up.”
Thanks Lindsey, now we’re all going to throw up.
8) Sara G. @MsBossyNoPants
“I just saw what could only be a hooker walking down a suburban street.”
I recently moved to the suburbs, but haven’t yet noticed any prostitutes. However, I did recently spot a 40-ish desperate housewife with huge fake boobs running down my block clad in booty shorts and a sports bra. The surrounding streets of my previous neighborhood were mainly populated by people with mullets and/or meth addictions, so this new scenery is much more preferable.
7) Joe Cernelli @jcernelli
“I think “busty” is one of my favorite words.”
It’s definitely one of my favorite adjectives.
6) Kristen Gray @Kg244403
“Strep throat, it is. F*CKIN’ OBAMA’S FAULT!”
I work mainly with old white guys and they like to blame Obama for everything. America’s economic woes, our obesity epidemic, the debt owed to China – it’s all Obama’s fault. I’m assuming that Kristen is being facetious for comedic effect, but if Fox News gets a hold of her tweet and reports on it out of context, I’m sure all the racist Wilford Brimley’s out there will actually believe it’s true. Hopefully that doesn’t happen.
5) Saragrace Ross @OXtriSARAtopsXO
“drop your pants i’m checking your penis!! #friendship”
Now if a female performs this examination on one of her male companions, I guess “friendship” would be an appropriate term. However, if I had to check one of my guy friends penis’*, I would probably hashtag #hardship. On second thought, maybe that isn’t a good idea either.
* I’m not sure if penis’ or penis’s is the correct possessive form of the noun “penis”, but I’m sure as hell not going to Google it to find out.
4) Andrew @poquets
“Bout to get real up in this bitch! #Jeopardy #GirlScoutCookies”
Andrew starts this tweet out by grabbing your attention with an aggressive proclamation. He then piques your intellectual curiosity by hastagging the popular television quiz show. He finishes it out on a feel-good note with the mention of everyone’s favorite wholesome snack. An emotional roller-coaster of a tweet!
3) Audrey @fennpgh
“ikea restaurant is my favorite furniture store restaurant”
Though I don’t believe Ikea has many competitors in this particular category, they sure do have a pretty good eatery. Hopefully their next step is a liquor license because a shot of Absolut would definitely make shopping for Ecktorp sofa covers much less exasperating.
2) Chelsey Rovesti @chelseyrovo
“Hey old lady I know this is a locker room but is it completely necessary for u to be totally naked to do your hair and makeup next to me”
I often have to bear a burden similar to what Chelsey describes above. The old guys at my gym LOVE to walk around naked. I believe that their daily routine is as follows: wake up, go to gym, get naked in the locker room, prance around for a few hours while discussing the weather, put clothes back on and then head home to watch The Price Is Right. I blame Obama.
1) Amy Klug @BlondeTaffy44
“Drunj”
Simple, straightforward and to the point. If Twitter ever further restricts the character limit from 140 to 5, Amy has proved that she’ll still be able to effectively communicate.
I hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend! My birthday is Tuesday so you still have a few days to get me something good. Hummel figurines are always appreciated.
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